There are days that I go about without writing something here, not because I've run out of words to say, but because the things I wanted to tell you are too tender, too close that I find that they are only meant to be whispered in quiet moments like this. Right now these words fill me and how I wish you were here with me, or I was there holding you in my arms with your head in my chest as I inhale the sweet scent of your hair.

Why is it on these days my thoughts are of you and that familiar ache in my heart that calls out your name? I hear it now, your name whispered with such tenderness in the night like a sweet lullaby sending me to sleep. As I hear my heart beating in the quiet of the night, I feel an unexplainable knowing that you heard my thoughts. And then suddenly, I am smiling. Goodnight, my dear.

If You Only Knew

Tonight, I write to you surrounded by the sound of pouring rain, the ramblings of my heart endless as the teardrops fall. There is so much I wish to say to you and yet I think that that chance will never come. If  you were here even for a moment and knew that these words are for you, I think I could carry on with this life and it would be enough.

This love for you will be so always. Love will not be less without you by my side, but it will yearn for the sound of your voice and ache for the things it cannot share. There will always be rain and the wind in the trees. And each time rain falls or you feel the wind blow gently past you, it will be me calling, just to be near you. Even for just a heartbeat. If you only knew.

Though we may be two, we will win this battle. This I promise you.

August Promise

To be strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in a loud word but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

My dear Papa,

        It's been four years to the day when you went up to heaven. Last night we were all together to celebrate not your death, but your life and how you touched each and everyone of us. You should have seen your apos Noah and Luis. They were singing and raising their hands with us during the corporate worship enjoying the praise and worship. There was a time when Noah turned my head with his little hands and excitedly point at a corner in church. I really could not see anything that would catch his fancy at that time but when he looked at me, he smiled, like he just told me a secret. Somehow I knew you were there and maybe Noah saw you that's why he was smiling. After the worship, all of your BLD friends came to Mama and us showing their love and support. Some even commented how bigger we all were except Mama who was, according to them, "blooming and sexy". 

          After the worship we went to the place in where you and Mama used to eat before going home from the prayer meeting. I saw Mama looking around and remembering those happy moments you two shared in that place. It was already late in the evening and everybody was hungry. And like the Lubaton style of celebrating, we had a feast for dinner! What made it more special was that we got to see and chat with Ate Tatee too via iPad. There are signs of reconciliation between her and Mama, so please Papa, help us pray that their relationship be restored. It was a great night.

           I miss you so much Papa. Thank you for teaching us that family is the greatest treasure a person can have.

Love Will Show You Everything

Today, today I bet my life
You have no idea
What I feel inside
Don't, be afraid to let it show
For you never know
If you let it hide

I love you, you love me
Take this gift and don't ask why
Cause if you, will let me
I'll take what scares you and hold it deep inside
And if you, ask me why,
I'm with you and why I'll never leave
Love will show you everything

One day,
When youth is just a memory
I know,
You'll be standing right next to me

I love you, you love me
Take this gift and don't ask why
Cause if you, will let me
I'll take what scares you and hold it deep inside
And if you, ask me why
I'm with you and why I'll never leave

My love will show you everything
My love will show you everything,

My love will show you, everything
Our love will show us everything

A Blessed Weekend

The weekend enabled me to realize that the measure of love is not what one expects to receive from another, but rather that which he shares with all of his heart, fully and unconditional. Thank you Lord for  this valuable lesson I learned from Your Word.

I Can't Make You Love Me

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me If you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you do not feel, when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then, to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

And I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
And here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

Ain't no use in you trying
It's no good for me baby without love
All my tears, all these years, everything I believed in
Baby
Someone's gonna love me.

Just Take My Heart

It's late at night and neither one of us is sleeping
I can't imagine living my life after you're gone
Wondering why so many questions have no answers
I keep on searching for the reason why we went wrong
 

Where is our yesterday?
You and I could use it right now
But if this is goodbye
 

Just take my heart when you go
I don't have the need for it anymore
I'll always love you, but you're too hard to hold
Just take my heart when you go 
 

Here we are about to take the final step now
I just can't fool myself, I know there's no turning back
Face to face it's been an endless conversation
But when the love is gone you're left with nothing but talk
 

I'd give my everything
If only I could turn you around
But if this is goodbye
 

Just take my heart when you go
I don't have the need for it anymore
I'll always love you, but you're too hard to hold
Just take my heart when you go

That moment when I held you in my arms again
Unexpected, momentary and fleeting
The scent of your hair, the warmth of your lips
It's all I could hope for,
And I could not ask for more.

Standing Right Next To Me

Love is like the wind,

Sometimes it blows your way,
And until now
It missed me somehow.

But when I turned around
I saw you standing there.
The sound of your voice -
I had no choice.

I used to have a wish
One day I'd feel like this.
Now I know love exists
Cause it's standing right next to me.

Beneath the moon tonight
I see it in your eyes -
No more false starts,
No more broken hearts.

I used to have a wish
One day I'd feel like this.
Now I know love exists
Cause it's standing right next to me.

Even in the dark,
Even when you're gone
I feel you in my heart.

I used to have a wish
One day I'd feel like this.
Now I know love exists
Cause it's standing right next to me

Standing right next to me.

Once In A Blue Moon

The room is empty
The lights are dim
And my heart wonders
If I'll ever see you again

My tears are hungry
For an open door
When your arms held me
I never felt
that way before

I'll be waiting
I'll be watching
Under a blue moon
The taste of heaven
only happens
Once in a blue moon

Do you remember
When the wind blew free?
And we fit together
So naturally

I'll be waiting
And I'll be watching
Under a blue moon
The taste of heaven
only happens
Once in a blue moon

If the wind closes the door

It will open another.

 I'll be waiting
I'll be watching
Under a blue moon
The taste of heaven
only happens
Once in a blue moon

Once in a blue moon.

The Handkerchief

It was an early December evening. The night wind breezed on Duncan's face as he drove his motorcycle along the quiet streets of Malate. It was unusually quiet that night as he noted the few vehicles that passed him by.

Traversing along the streets of San Marcelino, Duncan noticed the bright lights coming from the Paco Park.

"Must be a wedding." Duncan said to himself.

He slowed down and parked his motorcycle at the curb. Upon reaching the park's imposing steel gates, he was met by the groundskeeper who perfunctorily handed him a ticket.

"That'll be five pesos," said the groundskeep without looking up, busy scribbling notes on his logbook. Duncan handed him a shiny five peso coin and went inside the park's inner sanctum.

Once inside, it was as if Duncan walked into another world---ancient and tranquil. A lush garden surrounded by centuries-old acacia and banyan trees. The scent of bouganvilla with a hint of moss wafted in the air. Embracing the serenity that welcomed him, Duncan inhaled deeply.

Walking along the cobblestone pathway, it led him to an intricate fountain. The sound of its flowing waters drowned out the noise outside the park's massive walls. The fountain was lit by a multitude of colored lights that created the impression of a dancing rainbow. 

From a distance, Duncan could see a handful of men rigging what appeared to be a stage with an old stone chapel in the center serving as its backdrop. A sleek grand piano was placed in the middle.

Friday. Concert at the park, Duncan realized.

Paco Park is one of the favorite places in Manila the he loved to visit. Nestled in the heart of the city and enclosed like a fortress with its high stone walls, the park was a sanctuary where Duncan finds solitude and escape from the stresses of everyday life.

Duncan found himself walking up a flight of steps of the park's inner wall that led to a raised promenade encompassing the park. From a distance, he spotted a couple locked in a tight embrace under the cover of twilight, unmindful of their surroundings.

Walking further, Duncan came to a spot which afforded him a great view of the whole park and the stage at the center. Night had already settled and the park was illuminated that made it more beautiful than in daylight.

Duncan sat down and felt his pocket for a cigarette. Just as he was about to light it, he noticed the outline of a woman near him. Straining his eyes to see in the dark, he noticed that the woman was wearing a beautiful purple dress which does not seem the ordinary attire for the usual park goer. 

Minding his own business, Duncan lit his cigarette and inhaled a few puffs. After a while, he heard faint sniffles coming from the woman. She appeared to be crying. 

Duncan stood up and walked towards the woman.

"Here," Duncan offering his handkerchief to her, "Thought you might need this."

The woman lifted her head up and looked at Duncan.

"Thank you," as her dainty hand reached for the handkerchief. " I'm sorry, but I didn't mean to impose." she said.

"Oh it's all right." was all Duncan could say. He felt awkward approaching the woman as he might be thought of as a pervert or something. But something in her eyes told him that his gesture was welcomed.

Duncan found himself staring at the woman's face, his gaze transfixed on her as she wiped the tears from her eyes. It was the most beautiful face he saw. At that moment, he was  instantly drawn to her.

Silence came between them as Duncan struggled for words to say. Their eyes met and the woman managed to smile.

"There you go." Duncan finally spoke. "A smile looks way much better on you."

The woman suddenly blushed, stroked her hair to the side of her ear and said, "Now you're just teasing me."

They both laughed.

"What brings you here?" the woman asked. 

"I was on my way home when I saw the lights, thought I'd see what's going on." Duncan answered. "How about you?

"I'm here for the concert." she replied. 

Duncan then finally summoned up his courage and asked, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but is everything all right? You were crying a while ago."

The woman then looked away and Duncan felt stupid that he had to ask that question.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude." he said apologetically.

The woman looked back at him and said, "No worries. I'm fine now."

Duncan felt the need to respond but was hesitant to do so, worried that he might say something wrong again. He instead looked over to the stage and saw people milling around while others were finding seats for the show.

"Hey." The woman called to him. "Are you staying for the concert?" she asked.

"Maybe. Its a Friday night and I have nothing else to do at home." he replied.

"You come here often?" asked the woman.

"Sometimes. Whenever I want to be alone and get away from it all, I come here" Duncan said.

"Maybe I should start coming here more often." the woman quipped.

Those words told a lot to him. Simple as they were, it held a lot of meaning. Not wanting to sound presumptuous, Duncan said to her, "You know, it's not all that bad. Whatever it is troubling you doesn't stay long but will soon pass."

"I really hope so. Thank you for that." said the woman.

Both fell silent for a while and after a moment, the woman stood up.

"Here's your handkerchief, I really appreciate the thought." the woman giving it back neatly folded up.

"Keep it," said Duncan. "It's yours. Something to remember me by."

The girl smiled and said she had to go. Duncan wanted her to stay for a bit more, but he couldn't seem to find the words to say it.

The woman started walking away when she turned back and said, "By the way, my name is Amanda."

"You can call me Duncan." he answered.

"It's nice to meet you, Duncan. Thank you for the company. I just wished I had known you at a better time." holding up the handkerchief in her hand.

"If you need someone to talk to, you'll find me here." said Duncan, with a hint of sadness in his voice.

As she walked away, the scent of her perfume lingered and Duncan breathed into it deeply.

Duncan wanted to follow her but couldn't seem to move his feet. His mind now filled with thoughts of that brief moment with her. The way her eyes looked at him and the smile on her face that brightened up his lonely heart. Suddenly, Duncan realized that he should not let that moment pass. He must get to know her more. Tell her that how such chance encounter touched him and made him feel that everything will be all right. Tell her in that moment alone with her, he somehow grew to care for her and that if given the chance to nurture it, he would not let anything make her cry again.

Duncan stood up and started to follow her. Watching Amanda from a distance, he wanted to call out her name. Barely did the words came out from his mouth when he saw a well dressed man with a bouquet of flowers come up to Amanda. Duncan stopped as he saw the man give the flowers to her and kissed her lips. The man then held her hand as he led her to a row of seats in front of the stage. 

Before settling down on their places, Duncan saw Amanda look at him. She raised her hand holding the handkerchief he gave her. She then placed that hand on her heart and struggled a faint smile.

Duncan somehow understood. The orchestra began to play its music as he walked away in that cold December evening.

Quiet Thoughts

Let me sing you a song dear,

Of rivers wide and silent streams

Of love that flows through

Wild blossoms and butterflies of May

Of a struggling spider in its silvery web,

Footprints on the receding ebb

Of your smile as sweet as honey,

Radiant and gleaming as it can ever be

Of a heart beating with hopeful dreams

In a silent night under the glow of moonbeams.

The music my dear would echo still,

In your heart remember, if you will.

Rainy Afternoon

I was out walking in downtown Manila late in the afternoon when it started to rain. What it seemed to be a light shower at the outset turned out to be a downpour -- as if heaven opened its floodgates on this part of the city. People darted to every nook and cranny they can squeeze themselves in for cover while others took out their trusty umbrellas. 

Taking refuge under an old building, I waited for the rain to stop. A cool misty breeze blew past and it soothed my tired and soaked body.. Listening to the pattering of raindrops and watching the gray-hued cityscape, I remembered  the first time I told you how I love the rain. You smiled at me with one of your sweetest smiles as if wanting to know more about this fascination of mine. Thoughts of us walking hand in hand in the rain then filled my thoughts. It made me smile.

I stepped off the curb and walked out to the street. The rain quickly enveloped me in her soft embrace...and I was happy.

Thank God for the rain. 

Thank God for you.

May Day Eve

Charms like yours have no need for a candle, fair one. -- Nick Joaquin, May Day Eve

Good Old Times

Just came home from our village basketball game. It has been ages since I last played and my body is crying out murder while I'm writing this. Perhaps time took its toll on me, but I did pretty good though. The shadow of "The Bull" showed its specter once in a while during the game. But what really capped the evening was seeing old friends now coming from different places and walks of life who took time and effort just to play in what we called a "reunion tournament" in our village. The best players from years ago came together despite their busy schedules and played their hearts out against younger and more agile players (I'm beginning to betray my age here. He he.) We lost the game but we made sure their win wasn't served on a silver platter.

After the game, all of us stayed behind in the basketball court to catch up on things, as if not wanting the night to end. Somebody brought in cold beer to to circulate as we shared war stories of how it was during the good old days. All of us felt closer than ever before. We said our goodbyes promising to see each other the soonest time we could.

It was a great a great night tonight. It made me realize that despite time and distance, real friendship is not lost but instead made stronger if rekindled in opportune times like this. 

Can't wait for our next game. This old man still has a lot of game in him. :-)

This one is for you my dear family, on the anniversary of our Singapore escapade. You will always be my source of inspiration and strength.

Universal Studios Singapore, April 13-16, 2011

Beautiful Sunday

I wasn't really in the best of spirits the past few days. It felt like I lost something and was dying inside every time I wake up. Everything else seemed to be unimportant and was going through my days without passion. I sought refuge in my room and the familiar feel of my bed where I would just sleep so as to numb the gnawing pain in my heart.

But there was something about today when I woke up. I realized it was Sunday because of the clanging of the church bell in our nearby chapel calling its faithful for the morning mass. Still half asleep in my bed thinking about whether to get up or snooze a little bit more, a fleeting thought came to my mind, as if somebody whispered it to me in a dream.

Live for today, hope for tomorrow. 

Somehow those words lifted me up. I felt that it was a new day for me. To start afresh. It came to me that however low and discouraged I was the past few days, life begins each morning and that it is never too late to start again. 

Letting Go

To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past.  

Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and it doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness.  It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat.  

To let go is to cherish the memories, to overcome and move on.  It is having an open mind and confidence in the future.  Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing.  To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow.
 

It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain.  Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.  Letting go is growing up.  It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.

Dear God,  I pray that you make my love humble and genuine. Grant me the grace to let go of those whom I love, that they may bloom and flourish in whatever garden you plant them in. Amen.

 

Starlight

Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star.
It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.
Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.

― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

Star Gazing by Carla Martell

For Love or Money

At some point in a relationship or even marriage, this question comes to mind, for love or money? In these times of uncertainty, where the quest for a good life is primordial with the common man, this question comes to every person's mind--sometimes every so often.

For some, they say that it you can learn to love someone, for others, it is easier to love a rich man than a poor one. I guess we are all entitled to our own point of view in this matter, but what is right for you can be a mystery.

Let's admit it. All of us have this romantic notion of love that is "forever". That warm feeling of being wanted and accepted despite one's shortcomings, the passion and romance so deep that makes us believe that life is meaningless without our significant other.

At the outset, love conquers everything. But as the years go by, this love may waver. The question of love or money slowly creeps up to one's thinking like a nagging thought. For the lucky ones, they may have it all. Wealth, health and a stable future is at their beckoning. But for most of us, it would seem an eternal struggle that we have to go through everyday.

For the average person, he can work hard for a decent living but never really get to grasp that security and financial freedom that he so dreams of. But would that make him a lesser mortal than the more fortunate ones? I sincerely think not.

But life is full of struggles. Sometimes it would deal you things that would seem unfair and impossible. Moreover, it can affect you emotionally. For some, more than a little.


Every year that passes, we struggle. While it may be said that we have friends and a decent job, affording a secure life is still just a dream. That life where we achieve our dreams and sharing our blessings with our loved ones. A life where we don't have to worry about paying the bills, or sending our children to school and enjoying a comfortable lifestyle. Year after year, it takes a toll on you. And for a lot of people, this brings about depression.

For many, both young and old, single, married or separated, the question of love or money will surely present itself at some time. Life is full of choices. And every choice made determines one's future. So again, for love or money?


Whats your choice then? Is the choice between love or money that easy to make? Would you sacrifice love for money? For the security, the ability to enjoy life, to give to your children along the way? Will you regret your decision for the rest of your life? Will you miss the person you left behind, forever? Love or money? The money will never make you feel the way loving someone does. But then again, can you live without that love, that feeling, just to have the ability to never worry financially ever again?

If you can't, then was it really the right thing to do to give up that comfortable life to be with someone you really love? Did love make the difference then? After all, love can't pay the bills. So is it love or money?

What if you were brought up having very little in your youth? What if you dreamed of "love" but what came to you was just "money" that you start looking for love? Love or money?

What if you decide to be with a person with money or a really good future? You may never go through financial hardship, or live in a tight budget. But such relationship could not be as fate would have it and you meet an average person that you fell in love with. But he cannot afford the life you were used to when you had money. Do you still move forward and face life's uncertainties with him, or do you leave him and find someone with money?

Love or money? What does love mean to you? What does having money mean to you? Can you have both? Sure you can, if you're lucky. But much of the time it is a choice between love or money. Some can even convince themselves that it is love, but in reality, it is the money.

While there are many more scenarios where the choice between love or money can be told, the choice you make is yours and yours alone. And one could only pray that it is the right one. The one that would make you happy.