“The Handkerchief” (Sequel Scene)

As Amanda walked toward the center of the park, the dusk had deepened. The lights around the fountain flickered to life, casting a golden haze over the trees. She clutched the handkerchief in her hand — Duncan's handkerchief — soft with use, with a delicate whisper of amber and musk. She held it like a keepsake. The orchestra had begun setting up under the arch of the bandstand. Amanda was introduced with polite applause — “guest soloist for tonight’s Concert at the Park…” — but she barely heard it. Her mind was still on the ledge. On Duncan. She sat at the grand piano, adjusted the bench, and let her fingers hover above the keys. The night air was gentle on her skin. Then she began to play. The first notes floated into the evening — a quiet, reflective sonata — tender and bittersweet. She had planned a different piece. But something stirred inside her as she remembered the quiet man at the ledge, with kind eyes and an oddly familiar smile. As her fingers moved across the keys, she glanced up — and there he was. Still leaning over the raised promenade, one hand tucked into his jacket pocket, the other resting casually on the adobe wall. Watching her. Their eyes met for a moment. She smiled. Duncan didn’t move. He didn’t smile back — not because he didn’t want to, but because he suddenly felt too much. She was radiant, lost in the music, and it was like looking across a bridge to a time that never was. His throat tightened. He left before the final number. Amanda’s eyes darted back to the ledge after every piece. But by the time she finished her final piece — Ennio Morricone's Love Affair, soft and longing — the ledge was empty. When the applause came, she stood and bowed. But her eyes still searched. She ran backstage quickly, grabbing her bag, waving off the organizers. “I’ll be back,” she said breathlessly. She slipped past the arches and headed straight to the park gate, heart pounding, the handkerchief still in her hand. Then she saw it — a motorcycle turning the corner at the far end of the street. Duncan. His hair tousled by the wind, his jacket fluttering slightly. He didn’t look back. Amanda froze. She wanted to call out, to run — but something held her in place. Maybe it was disbelief. Maybe it was the weight of the moment. Or maybe — just maybe — it wasn’t time yet. The motorcycle disappeared into the night. Amanda stood at the gate, wind whispering around her, hand still clutching the handkerchief. She looked down at it, smiled to herself, and folded it gently into her bag. The music still echoed behind her. But the song — the one meant for him — had already been played.

An Open Letter To My Son

To my dear son Magnus,

This letter is just one of the things I'll keep in my room until you are old enough to make it as your own, including all the other good stuff inside. That day will come when you’ll read this letter and your Mama Christine will have left you alone with it. This was written on the eve of your first month. You’re cozy in the warm arms of your mama, both of you sleeping soundly tonight.

In a few hours, you will be a month old and I’m still staring at you in awe as in the day I first saw you. Sometimes I just can’t believe that you were made because of me. I don’t know if I have done much good in this world to deserve such a precious blessing that is you. For that, I am eternally grateful.

You were placed in my arms at 6:18am on September 18, 2017, and my heart leapt. You were all red and crying...and so was I.

Yes, my son, I cried without embarrassment as the doctor handed you to me. It might sound funny, but you were worth all those tears during our first moments together.

Little did your mama know, I have been searching for a name from the time she told me that she's going to have you. I had been playing around with names such as Sebastian, Griffin, and Jaeger, but they did not seem to have that satisfactory ring to it. And since I wanted you to have a biblical name, the names Samson and Gideon, also crossed my mind.

Your mama seemed to like my suggestions. But in about two weeks before you were born, she asked me what do I think of the name Magnus. Right there and then, I knew. Magnus. A good strong name for our first born son. For your second name I chose Kane— a homonym for the biblical bad boy Cain, for that touch of badassery.

And so that is how you ended up as Magnus Kane Ramirez Lubaton. Soon enough, you’ll learn the meanings behind your name and hopefully live up to it.

What you will also have discovered is how wonderful your Mama Christine is. Before I met her, I was already reconciled with the fact that I'll grow old a bachelor and, to tell you the truth, I had no problem with that. While I did have my share of relationships in the past, none turned out to what I hoped them to be.

I did not expect to be a father either, again contented myself with the fact that I was already enjoying the love of your older cousins Iday, Noah, Luis, Sam, and Matt. As you know, Haeli came only a few weeks before you were born. For me, it was already a good deal—having all the fun and play without going through the sleepless nights and relentless demands of taking care of a child.

Then, somewhere along the way, I met your mother. She changed my perspective in life and gave me purpose and happiness.

Surprisingly, she was 9 years younger than me and yet blessed with maturity and wisdom. For us there was no gap. Within months of meeting we knew that we wanted to be together.

We also knew that we wanted children someday, something that turned out to be more challenging than what we have imagined. We endured one miscarriage, and suffice to say, the experience broke our hearts into pieces.

You are a triumph of love and determination after those trying times. And you have your mama to thank for that, because she bore the brunt of the emotional and physical toll. She did everything and sacrificed a whole lot just to bring you to this world safe and healthy.

More than that, though, she has always taken cared of me and supported me in my shortcomings. She has always been selfless, thoughtful, and generous, putting aside her comforts just to be of help to others. You are blessed to have her.

You are also blessed with a loving kin. Your lolos and lolas, titos and titas, as well as your cousins love you very much. By now you would have known that. And this family will stand by you always.
It was in God's perfect timing that you came to our lives. I just sometimes wish that your Lolo Pat and Lola Alice had lived to see you. And I wish you had been able to talk to them.

I am excited at the prospect of doing a lot of things with you, making awesome memories while you are growing up. We'll have lots of camping trips and Sunday swims, bike rides and quiet walks with your mama. When you're old enough , I'll take you to learn jiu-jitsu and we could come to class and train together. And yes, you’ll get to drive a motorcycle too.

Wonderful, exciting times, all of which and many more I’ll be doing with you. I might be a lot older than most fathers in your age group, but who cares? All that matters is the love I have for you and my determination to be there for you.

I don’t know what age you will be when you read this, but nevertheless, let me give you some advice.
Never be daunted to stand alone in a crowd. Learn the simple joys of reading books and writing letters by hand. Never be afraid to make mistakes. Value love over money. Your family is your sanctuary, always. Be humble and always be kind. Offer help before it is asked. Waste not, want not. Never look for a fight, but never back down from one either. And always have a knife, lighter, and a handkerchief in your pocket.

It'll be dawn soon and you’ll be waking your mama in a bit for your bonding. That's my cue to end this letter.

I love you very much, Magnus. Having you and your Mama Christine in my life is the best thing that ever happened to me. I can only hope that after our years together, you’ll be able to say the same of me and remember me with love.

                                                                                                              Your proud father,

                                                                                                                     Patrick

 PS: Look after my book and knife collection, they'll serve you well.

August Rain

Let the rain embrace you.
Let it run upon your body like kisses with each silver drop.
Let the rain hush you to sleep,
With its pattering sound on the roof like a lullaby.
Whispering hope for a love gone by.

So the next time it rains, remember that I am there
Thinking of you, wherever I am.

On Turning 40

I’m turning 40 years old this August. Apparently, when one turns 40, one is expected to celebrate in a particularly grand fashion. One is supposed to go into their fourth decade on this planet with guns blazing,and taking 40 by the horns and owning it. 

Or so I’ve been told.

I'm not really that one who's into big parties and celebrations since I find big parties hard to manage. Most of my birthdays were spent simply with family and friends. A small gathering with good food and beer would be enough for me.

The truth is, I never really had a grand birthday party (unlike my sisters who had their respective debuts. Ha ha!) but I didn't mind.

My birthday this year would not be different because as far as I am concerned, 40 is just another number. In my mind, age is irrelevant. It's not that I don't want to celebrate my birthday because I am still in denial or that I am not grateful to have reached my fourth decade in this earth, rather it the pomp and pageantry that comes along with a typical, socially warranted 40th birthday bash.

The idea that I should be holding an extravagant affair and all the preparations leading to such event holds little appeal to me. I dread it, to say the least.

I know that this is a milestone for me, a benchmark in my adulthood, a time to reflect on my achievements and future goals, which is why I would like my 40th celebration to reflect my life. But I still have no idea how I want such celebration to be.

The truth is, I am just a simple man with simple joys. I enjoy watching movies and tv series such as Game of Thrones and Supernatural, among others. I like taking out my dogs for a walk. I get my fix by training Brazilian jiujitsu and strength training in the gym. I love taking my wife to different places she haven't seen before and see her tear up with joy. I have fun playing with my nephews and scaring the hell out of them till they pee in their shorts. I enjoy camping and hike in the jungle to find that sweet spot with a waterfall and plunge in its cool waters. I love riding my motorcycle whether just to buy groceries or  an out-of-town ride.

 

Right now, I feel like I am finally at an age where I shouldn’t feel the need to succumb to social pressure. At 40, I will do more the things that make me happy and fulfilled. Spend quality time with my family and renew friendships with those have touched my life significantly. Appreciate the simple things and count my blessings. I shouldn’t feel the need to to be envious of somebody's fortune but instead be grateful of the one I have. Give more to those in need of my help, especially those who have no means to pay it back.

 

Therefore, that is how I’m going to welcome my 40th natal day. I’m going to celebrate it exactly as I want to — not according to what is trendy or cool, but in terms of what would make it meaningful.  And it will probably seem unappealing, if not, boring to most, and that’s OK. 

 

And that for me, is what being 40 is all about — doing what I want and living life on my own terms. Frankly, I can’t wait.

 

 

 

 

August Musings

Hello my friend. It's great to see you again.

August has nearly flown by this year and I would not have been able to make this entry had I not chanced upon this blog of mine in my laptop's bookmark. Looking through the entries, it made me feel that great longing to write again.

My last post was way back in 2014 and a lot happened since then. Somehow, they have not been able to find their way here---mainly due to my busy schedule, daily distractions that keep me from organizing my thoughts, or even the lack of compulsion, or should I say, inspiration to write.

But here I am. Ready to get back in the saddle.

It is felicitous that I'm doing this at this time of of the year, August being my birth month. This will be my 40th August and somehow there's this feeling of starting over. Life begins at 40, as the popular saying goes.

Here's to more adventures along the way. Let's ride!

 Evermore

 

I was the one who had it all
I was the master of my fate
I never needed anybody in my life
I learned the truth too late

I'll never shake away the pain
I close my eyes but she's still there
I let her steal into my melancholy heart
It's more than I can bear

Now I know she'll never leave me
Even as she runs away
She will still torment me, calm me, hurt me
Move me, come what may

Wasting in my lonely tower
Waiting by an open door
I'll fool myself she'll walk right in
And be with me for evermore

I rage against the trials of love
I curse the fading of the light
Though she's already flown so far beyond my reach
She's never out of sight

Now I know she'll never leave me
Even as she fades from view
She will still inpire me, be a part of
Everything I do

Wasting in my lonely tower
Waiting by an open door
I'll fool myself she'll walk right in
And as the long, long nights begin
I'll think of all that might have been
Waiting here for evermore!

 Lyrics from "Beauty and the Beast"
Performed by Josh Groban
Music and lyrics by Alan Menken and Tim Rice

"Hold on Tight"

To Papa, who loved his family like a treasured gift, who disciplined, who protected; who gave everything that he could for us to be everything that we are...Happy birthday! We all love and miss you.

There are days when love is quiet. It does not shout from mountain tops nor seeks attention. It just is. Some days love makes you feel sheltered, like a soft blanket on a cold rainy day. It is always there keeping you warm in a gentle embrace as you move through the days and nights of your life. So you see, love can be many things. Even when I don't write my thoughts in words or poems, remember that you will always be a part of me, that part that always calls me home at the end of the day.

Of Heartstrings and Love Songs

They say that there's a song that just tugs at your heart and brings back memories of days gone by. For some, it creates a new one.

Today, I came to see my nephew Noah at his school's Grandparents Day program. Being the doting uncle that I am, I wouldn't miss it for the world. After watching him perform their number to the tune of "Chicken Dance" and seeing Noah dance in his chicken outfit, it left me amused and proud of the little boy.

But nothing prepared me to what happened next. As a final song to cap the program, the children were asked to go to their respective grandparents' side. Noah, with all smiles and excitement, hurriedly went to his Lola Cynthia and stood next to her. A familiar tune played in the background and all the children started to sing...

"You are the one who makes me happy, when everything else turns to gray. Yours is the voice that makes me mornings and sends me out into the day..." 

As the timeless Karen Carpenter classic played amidst the gathered audience, the voice of the singing children seem to fade and all that I could hear was Noah's angelic voice serenading her Lola who, in a heartbeat, broke down into tears.

"You are the crowd that sits quiet listening to me in all the mad sense I make. You are one of the few things worth remembering, and since it's all true, how could anyone mean more to me than you?"

Unexpectedly, I felt my heart melt and tears were welling in my eyes. I tried holding back my tears, but the moment just struck me. Memories of the love and affection that Papa and Mama gave me when I was growing up came and took me back to when I was a little boy again.

The sweet and innocent voice of Noah gave new meaning to the song for me. I realized that to love the people that matters most in our lives knows no time, no boundaries or distance. Simple acts of thoughtfulness and affection sincerely given creates a strong bond that brings us closer together and makes us more loving to each other.

"You are my heart and my soul my inspiration, just like the old love song goes. You are one of the few things worth remembering. And since it's all true, how could anyone mean more to me than you?"

Thank you Noah boy. You taught your uncle a beautiful lesson today.

P.S.

This is also dedicated to my little sister Tatee who is celebrating her birthday today. Couldn't help but think about her whenever I hear Karen Carpenter love songs. Happy birthday Tatee! Remember that wherever you are, our love always goes with you. Can't wait to see you again.

Got this off the web, credits due to the author, Black Knight.

 

5 Things I Learned About Life From Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu

By Black Knight

Brazilian jiu-jitsu is a grappling sport that focuses on takedowns, ground fighting, and self-defense designed to subdue a stronger opponent. Most current jiu-jitsu originates from the Gracie family, several of whom dominated the early days of mixed martial arts fighting. Royce Gracie won 3 of the first 4 UFCs with jiu-jitsu, leading to its wide recognition as one of the most effective forms of martial arts.

This article is not about jiu-jitsu’s prowess as a fighting style, but rather how it can benefit your life in immeasurable ways. These are five things it has led me to discover:

1. Failure is inescapable

Are you on the path to achieving your dreams? If not, I guarantee that it is because you are terrified of failure. To improve at jiu-jitsu, you must put yourself in a life-or-death position literally hundreds of times in your first few months as a white belt. Tapping out to someone says “I acknowledge that my physical safety is completely in your hands,” a difficult admission for most to accept. Affliction-wearing meatheads wash out quickly because they cannot stand the blow to their egos. Jiu-jitsu teaches you to manage the humiliation and emotional dump that comes with failure. Failing at jiu-jitsu desensitizes you to failing in life, the only way you can begin to succeed.

2. There is always someone better than you

Whether your passion includes game, fitness, athleticism, writing, or fighting, jiu-jitsu forces you to accept that you are never the master of your craft. How many times have you seen a gorgeous girl on the arms of a toady guy, only to hear your friends talk derisively about how his luck or money are the only reasons for his success? It is a loser’s mindset to hate on someone because they are superior to you at something. Respecting and acknowledging mastery comes with exposure to the red pill mindset, and with exposure to jiu-jitsu as well.

3. There are no shortcuts

It is well-established that experts in any field are made through thousands of hours of deliberate practice. Some people are better natural athletes or learn moves faster, but the true beasts at my gym are the guys who have put in the longest hours on the mat. Learning jiu-jitsu emphasizes the dedication necessary to achieve proficiency in any area. You can passively await a one-in-a-million stroke of luck, or you can take ownership of your position today and begin logging the hours required for mastery.

4. Your body is your greatest physical possession

Once you see the wondrous things you can do with it, it will deeply trouble you how little most people respect theirs. I ate well and worked out regularly before I began training, but seeing what some people can do on the mat drives me to optimize all aspects of my health. Older guys say that you only realize how much of a gift your body is when it begins to break down. I believe them and want to delay that process. Jiu-jitsu helps to redefine your commitment to your own body on a daily basis, amidst a population that is 2/3 overweight or obese.

5. Your daily grind matters less than you think

The Fight Club narrator insists that fighting turns down the volume on the rest of your life. This is true. Once you are put within a hair’s breadth of serious injury on a regular basis, nagging things in your life lose significance. Lost your job? You’ll find another one. Girl not interested in you? No big deal, there’s plenty more. Having to modulate your stress level under extreme duress rewires your brain, giving you the ice in the veins required to excel in any competitive environment. Jiu-jitsu is a beautiful art, one I would encourage anyone to try. Gym owners may try to sell jiu-jitsu or other martial arts as necessary to defend yourself in fights or prevent bullying, but this is a tertiary benefit at best. More importantly, from its lessons on failure, dedication, prioritization, and mastery, Brazilian jiu-jitsu teaches you how to become a better man.

 http://www.returnofkings.com/7400/5-things-i-learned-about-life-from-brazilian-jiu-jitsu

There are days that I go about without writing something here, not because I've run out of words to say, but because the things I wanted to tell you are too tender, too close that I find that they are only meant to be whispered in quiet moments like this. Right now these words fill me and how I wish you were here with me, or I was there holding you in my arms with your head in my chest as I inhale the sweet scent of your hair.

Why is it on these days my thoughts are of you and that familiar ache in my heart that calls out your name? I hear it now, your name whispered with such tenderness in the night like a sweet lullaby sending me to sleep. As I hear my heart beating in the quiet of the night, I feel an unexplainable knowing that you heard my thoughts. And then suddenly, I am smiling. Goodnight, my dear.

If You Only Knew

Tonight, I write to you surrounded by the sound of pouring rain, the ramblings of my heart endless as the teardrops fall. There is so much I wish to say to you and yet I think that that chance will never come. If  you were here even for a moment and knew that these words are for you, I think I could carry on with this life and it would be enough.

This love for you will be so always. Love will not be less without you by my side, but it will yearn for the sound of your voice and ache for the things it cannot share. There will always be rain and the wind in the trees. And each time rain falls or you feel the wind blow gently past you, it will be me calling, just to be near you. Even for just a heartbeat. If you only knew.

Though we may be two, we will win this battle. This I promise you.

August Promise

To be strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in a loud word but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

My dear Papa,

        It's been four years to the day when you went up to heaven. Last night we were all together to celebrate not your death, but your life and how you touched each and everyone of us. You should have seen your apos Noah and Luis. They were singing and raising their hands with us during the corporate worship enjoying the praise and worship. There was a time when Noah turned my head with his little hands and excitedly point at a corner in church. I really could not see anything that would catch his fancy at that time but when he looked at me, he smiled, like he just told me a secret. Somehow I knew you were there and maybe Noah saw you that's why he was smiling. After the worship, all of your BLD friends came to Mama and us showing their love and support. Some even commented how bigger we all were except Mama who was, according to them, "blooming and sexy". 

          After the worship we went to the place in where you and Mama used to eat before going home from the prayer meeting. I saw Mama looking around and remembering those happy moments you two shared in that place. It was already late in the evening and everybody was hungry. And like the Lubaton style of celebrating, we had a feast for dinner! What made it more special was that we got to see and chat with Ate Tatee too via iPad. There are signs of reconciliation between her and Mama, so please Papa, help us pray that their relationship be restored. It was a great night.

           I miss you so much Papa. Thank you for teaching us that family is the greatest treasure a person can have.

Love Will Show You Everything

Today, today I bet my life
You have no idea
What I feel inside
Don't, be afraid to let it show
For you never know
If you let it hide

I love you, you love me
Take this gift and don't ask why
Cause if you, will let me
I'll take what scares you and hold it deep inside
And if you, ask me why,
I'm with you and why I'll never leave
Love will show you everything

One day,
When youth is just a memory
I know,
You'll be standing right next to me

I love you, you love me
Take this gift and don't ask why
Cause if you, will let me
I'll take what scares you and hold it deep inside
And if you, ask me why
I'm with you and why I'll never leave

My love will show you everything
My love will show you everything,

My love will show you, everything
Our love will show us everything

A Blessed Weekend

The weekend enabled me to realize that the measure of love is not what one expects to receive from another, but rather that which he shares with all of his heart, fully and unconditional. Thank you Lord for  this valuable lesson I learned from Your Word.

I Can't Make You Love Me

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me If you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you do not feel, when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then, to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

And I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
And here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

Ain't no use in you trying
It's no good for me baby without love
All my tears, all these years, everything I believed in
Baby
Someone's gonna love me.